Mind, Heart, & Soul.

Well pretty much I’ve kept this from my tumblr followers. But I think it would be interesting to see how people would react to the situation. So here is my story unfolded. It’s very long but it’s worth the read, trust me.

So most of you know me as Kayden. That’s my name around here and out here as well. But I actually have a biological name. It is Kaitlyn. This story is about how Kaitlyn became Kayden. It’s a story that I’ve gone through and is still going through.

Kaitlyn was a pretty little girl. A little girl who knew he was a little boy. A little girl who was afraid and confused. So shy and depressed. He felt he was different from the world, different from his family. He started to talk and walk which was a heart warming site for his mother and father. As he grew up he started to learn things that depicted girls from boys and boys from girls. He thought a lot but never said a word.

His mother loved him very much and loved dressed him up in little pretty hats to match his pretty little dresses. He hated to wear dresses but knew that it meant so much to his mother that he kept quiet and kept in the anger. He always wondered why he couldn’t wear a suit just like his dad. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. When he heard the word dress or saw a dress he would hide or run away. When he was forced to wear it, he would kick and scream out loud yelling “I don’t want to wear it! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” with tears down his face. It was a horror to him.
As he played with other kids he wondered why he was different from all the other boys. Why did they get to wear suits and he didn’t? Why was he wearing what all the other girls were wearing? He was confused and didn’t know what to do.

When his birthday’s and Christmas time would come around he would get all sorts of presents -toys and clothes. As he opened them he would get barbie dolls and girl toys. He would put them aside wondering why he got these toys. Can’t they see that he wanted action figures and toy cars? His face would always turn into a frown as he saw his brother get what he always wanted.
Why was he treated differently? Why isn’t he like his dad and brother?

He would lock himself in his room everyday. Looking at the ceiling thinking, imagining. He would always role play and think he was the strongest hero around. He would think he was superman there to save the world. He would look in the mirror and take off his shirt. He would flex thinkin he was some kind of macho man. He loved dreaming because that’s all he could do.

The bathroom was where all his shame went. There naked looking at something that shouldn’t be there. Pueberty came. It was like being in hell for him. Why was there blood coming out between his legs? Why was his pecs growing bigger? What was happening to him? He can’t become a women. That’s just not right. He’s not ready. It was a horrible phase to go through. The mirror became his shame. Looking at himself was a pain. Long hair, slim body, breasts. Who is this? This isn’t him. It can’t be. He should be with short hair, tall, and muscular just like his dad. This can’t be happening to him. He stares into the mirror with tears runnig down his face. “I hate you” he says to the figure in the mirror.

He begins to get attracted to a girl. His heart pounds hard when he sees this girl. Is this real? He really likes this girl. He wants to ask her out, but he can’t. She’ll never go out with him, not lookin like that. He had to keep all his feelings in. He was jealous of the other boys that could ask her out. Why couldn’t he do it? His mother told him he was supposed to like boys not girls, because liking girls was called lesbian. She said that he would have to marry them and have a family. “Ew boys? I can’t like boys. I can’t marry a boy. That’s gross!” His mother really wanted him to, so he kept queit. He never said he was a lesbian. He always said he was straight and said nothing different.

What is he to do? He’s different from all the boys. He wondered why he couldn’t have what the other boys had. He wondered why he couldn’t do what the other boys did. Why was he treated differently? Why does he look more like his sister and mother than his brother and father? He became sucidal. He became depressed. He cried himself to sleep every night. He kept a knife in his room. He tried stabbing himself but was afraid of the pain. He couldn’t live like this. He could run away, but they could find him. He had to face the facts. He wasn’t a boy after all. He was a girl and that was his reality. But he knows he is a boy no matter what everyone sees. He had to please everyone around him and live the way everyone saw him as. He lived a lie for 13 years.

When he turned 14, he finally knew why he was like that. He finally found answers to all of his questions. He was a transgendered person. He was a boy trapped in a girls body. He was relieved that he wasn’t going crazy. He was happy he didn’t have to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. He started to be himself. He started to finally be the boy he has always wanted to be. He chose the name Brandt for his secret life online. He still had to hide but felt more relieved than ever.

He told his closest friends and went right. He told his family and everything fell apart. His mother couldn’t understand. His father confused. His brother annoyed. His sister the only one to accept him. His sister is the best thing he could ever have and he was glad that he could be himself around her. His brother became a little closer. But they both fought and fought. There was jealousy. He was jealous of his brother because his brother takes advantage of being a boy and he hated that.

After coming out, everything felt right. He didn’t like his body but he learned to deal with it.
He had a secret life online. That’s he became Brandt, a name he liked because of a friend at school who had that name. He was being himself to a community where he felt open. A community where he could just get away from the real world. Then he met these amazing girls. He fell in love with them, but knew nothing could happen because it was a virtural world. He finally had his first girlfriend. They loved each other a lot. But the relationship never could last. He was heart broken. He was a hopeless romantic and a strong lover. 

Now as Kayden, he has adjusted to everything and everything became better. He started to come out more in school and in his community.
He couldn’t call himself Brandt at school. No one knew still. So then his sophmore year he started to call himself Kayden because it sounded more like his birthname. Then he came out to a number of people and got positive reactions. Now a college freshman and his last for years of high school couldn’t be any better. He grew so much into the person he was born to be. He was finally happy with all the support of his friends. 

There were uniforms in his school that he was required to wear and was mandatory to wear the skirt.  He hated wearing the skirt. So he tried doing something about it. Apparently he lost to the school. He tried to stand up for himself and asked if he could wear the boys uniform, but the principal wouldn’t let him. So he sat in classes in misery with his head stuck to the desk on Mondays. He was threaten a suspension and expulsion if he wore the pants on Mondays or skipped them. He was very angry and didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t focus on anything but that and it ruined so much. But he is still glad that he went to school with so much support. Even a teacher almost risked her job to help him. But in the end the school won. But the fight is not over yet. I’ve made a legacy that hopefully everyone will remember. And I knew there is someone there to live out that legacy because I wasn’t the only one going through it.

Senior year he was the big man of the school. Everyone knew him and most knew about his situation. He was glad he had people that looked up to him and inspired by him. It was an amazing feeling to him and he felt like he was welcomed.

His mother and his relationship with her has fallen apart. They are farther apart from each other than ever before. It broke her heart when he told her about himself. He is truly sorry but it’s nobody’s fault. She can’t accept him but is trying to get used to it. He is happy that he is getting to be himself, but things just don’t fall in place yet. And hope the new year brings more hope.
He went to a preist that surprisingly supports him and gives him hope. It shows that his faith cares and that he is not a sin. He still wonders why God put him on this earth like this. He wonders why did God pick him to be like this? Why put people through this kind of misery? Well Kayden believes he has a purpose. He has a voice and can change the world’s view on these kinds of issues.

He can’t wait to transition into the boy he really is. He is a man and no one could tell him he isn’t. You don’t need balls to be a man. It takes courage and hope and strength to be a man. And he has all of that.

He wants for those that thought he was really a boy to know that he is a boy no matter what. He wants those to know that it shouldn’t change a thing and he is but the same person you met.
All he wants is to be known as a male no matter what. He wants nothing to change. He wants to meet a girl that will love him for who he is and a life that will satisfy his need to be complete. And guess what? He found the girl he was looking for and her name is Shawna. The best girlfriend in the world! He wants to be a regular teenage boy. He knows he is a boy. He doesn’t just want to be one, he is one.

No one influenced him. Society didn’t influence him. This is how he feels. This is him and nothing could change him. He’s what’s going to change the world’s view.

Things he hates:
He hates when people call him “she” or “her” or even a “girl
He hates when he meets a new person and someone has to ruin it for him.
He hates when people know but they don’t even try.
He hates his body.
He hates being this but it’s who he is and he has to live with it.



I have left a lot of things out but it will be revised constantly. Thank you for taking your time to read this. I know it has taken a lot of your time. 

“I am a boy no matter what they tell me. Who has the right to judge me and tell me what to be?”